Random Poetry Recitations

[Alaric]

The Wendigo,
The Wendigo!
Its eyes are ice and indigo!
Its blood is rank and yellowish!
Its voice is hoarse and bellowish!
Its tentacles are slithery,
And scummy,
Slimy,
Leathery!
Its lips are hungry blubbery,
And smacky,
Sucky,
Rubbery!
The Wendigo,
The Wendigo!
I saw it just a friend ago!
Last night it lurked in Canada;
Tonight, on your veranada!
As you are lolling hammockwise
It contemplates you stomachwise.
You loll,
It contemplates,
It lollops.
The rest is merely gulps and gollops.

      -Ogden Nash, The Wendigo

[The Phantom Eyebrow]

Poetry is it then?  Allow me to chip (in with what can only be described as) my spake in:

Twelve platypuses float amiably by the aperture of my window
Each more countenanced than the last.
I reach out,
Invoke platypus 6
(my favourite)
And we dance our dancey-dance
Of course, in time we will all come to see,
the life of the semiaquatic egg-laying mammal is not for me.
Twas ever thus...

[Alaric]

The rain it raineth every day
Upon the just and unjust fella;
But more upon the just, because
The unjust's got the just's umbrella.

[Gremlin]

The Walrus and The Carpenter
Lewis Carroll
(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"

"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.

"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?

"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"

"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"

"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.

[BWPS]

Here's some stuff I wrote from earlier this year

Making a Sandwich
Run up behind me with glee in your eyes
Can't ask for attention and yet you demand it
Bite at my legs, and I jump with surprise
But I'm making a sandwich GOD DAMMIT

I got you from the pound and I paid thirty-nine
You had all your shots, over I was glad to hand it
But now you just drive me straight out of my mind
When I'm making a sandwich GOD DAMMIT

Lettuce went flying, the ham to the floor
The bread went mustard-side down as it landed
Who would have thought you would be such a chore
To ruin my sandwich GOD DAMMIT

frell you, little fella, don't look at me thus
In this mess that you caused you're surrounded
I'll take you out to the country and leave on a bus
So I can make a new sandwich GOD DAMMIT


Can
A can with a hole in the bottom should be called a can't
A greedy person's will should be called a won't
I think we should have Israel and Australia trade places and solve all the worlds problems
I think God would be cool with that

The Tale of Rickard
Rickard waited tables at a restaurant called Pip's
But he didn't like his job because Pip kept half his tips
One day he found out he could shoot lasers from his nips
Rickard got so excited that he started doing flips

Rickard is a stupid name and he was a stupid guy
And if you say so in front of him, he'd probably start to cry
But that didn't stop him from telling his boss goodbye
Or shooting him with nipple blasts or watching ol' Pip fry

Rickard ran out the door, just feeling cool as hell
But when he left, a patron called the cops using his cell
And Rick ran to the aquarium to kill a killer whale
And as he ran, on bystanders, he used his new spell

The Orca scared Rickard when he was a lad
When he went to see dolphins at the place with his dad
As he passed the glass the whale swam up and said, "I'm mad,"
And, "I'm gonna break all your toys just so you'll be sad."

The young Rickard cried and left there with his pop
And even when he got home, the tears didn't stop
For there on the floor, his toys had all been dropped
His train had been wrecked, his bear had been chopped
... (too epic to fit into one poem)

The Moon
The moon is lame
All it does is sit there
They say there is a man
In the moon
But that's stupid
There isn't a man in the moon
And it's not made of cheese
It's just a big rock
I hate it
I hate the moon
You hear that, moon?
I hope you die, moon!
Maybe then my dad would still be here
And not living up there on the moon
Because he's a secret moon agent
On a secret moon mission
But I'm not supposed to tell anyone
Mom said it's a secret
But she told me all about him
And he's coming back one day
One day he'll be back
And we'll get ice cream cones from Dairy Queen
But I might be all grown up by then
And who knows if I'll even like ice cream?
Stupid moon!

Octopus's Garden cover
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden in the shade
He'd let us in, knows where we've been
In his octopus' garden in the shade
(Drum Solo)
(Featuring Timbaland verse)
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus' garden with you.

The original was probably still better

My Ducks in a Row
All my ducks are in a row
boat
It's pretty much useless because they can swim


I think this isn't too bad, but if anything needs to be taken out, I really apologize. I am not good at gauging appropriateness levels.

[Gremlin]

Oh. My. GOD.

SO MUCH WIN.

[Alaric]

Okay, I know when I'm beat....

Someday, I'll figure out how to combat the power of a pointy stick!

[Gremlin]

Dr. Seuss does Star Trek.

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

LaForge: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

LaForge: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why.

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did, and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

LaForge: Yes sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

-- Author Unknown